Hi there, and welcome to My Chic Simplicity! I’ve been on a hiatus from blogging for quite some time, but now I’m back with some big news to share. After months of going back and forth and literally torturing myself, I finally decided to leave my graduate program. It’s by far been one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, and I’m terrified about my future. However, I know that it was something that ultimately needed to be done.
Despite this fact, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve made a terrible mistake. I keep thinking about how close I was to graduation and how much I’ve given up. People around me, especially my family, can’t seem to understand my decision to leave. All I kept hearing was to just push through it, but the harder I pushed, the more things fell apart and the more my mental and physical health deteriorated.
I’m currently in one the deepest depressions I’ve ever experienced in my life, and I’m fully wallowing in self-pity. I feel lost, confused, bitter, and I’m simply trying to make sense of this past year. My life has been slowly crumbling around me, and it feels like I’m losing everything. It has been one disappointment and obstacle after the next, and I can’t seem to catch a break. As an extreme Type A person, you can imagine how much of a nightmare this whole experience has been. The timeline and lifestyle I envisioned for myself are becoming more of a mere fantasy.
I would be lying if I said my relationship with God hasn’t suffered during this process. I’m struggling to hear his voice among all the opinions of others and my internal desires. I know that this may sound spiritually immature, but I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of trying to do the right thing and always coming up short and being disappointed. I find myself wondering if God hears me, or if he even cares. I look at myself in the mirror and barely recognize myself. I’ve completely let myself go, and it’s almost like I don’t know where to pick up the pieces.
I’m not going to pretend like I have the answers or even know where to start because I don’t. However, I’m going to allow myself space to grieve, be angry, and not have every detail planned out for once.